THE CAREGIVER´S CHRONICLES: A YEAR WHOUTHOUT YAYA
I took a year to write this, to process everything. It hasn’t been an easy road—not this year without my mother, nor the six years caring for her—but little by little, I’m feeling better. Every day, my grieving process moves forward. I don’t cry every day, but I can’t say I don’t cry at all… sometimes the smallest thing that reminds me of her brings tears to my eyes.
Today I want to talk about that grief and close this chapter of The Caregiver Chronicles that I started 4 years ago, on July 30, 2022, with the first entry: The Caregiver Chronicles: The Beginning and finished with the second to last chronicle The Caregiver Chronicles: The end.
Oh, life… we don’t know when we arrive or when we leave. We think we have time, but time flies. We think we’ll stay young forever, that we won’t get sick, that terrible things won’t happen to us… but life serves you a mix of everything—all kinds of little messy things, the good and the bad, like a salad… and for dessert, a brownie.
We all go through it in one way or another, and each of us faces our situation the best we can. Every day is different, depending on where we are emotionally or what stage we’re in. But in the end… we all go through the same thing.
Losing a mother or a father—just like losing a child—is something you can’t truly imagine until it happens to you. You know it will happen, you think you’ll be ready… but you’re not. And you never will be.
It’s strange how we get used to having someone in our lives, we take for granted that they’ll always be there… and when they’re gone, it feels like a part of us is gone too.
This past year, I’ve experienced things that I think are very typical of a caregiver. For example, when I would leave the house, I’d feel this urgency to come back, worried that I had to take care of my mother. When I went grocery shopping, I’d put things in the basket that were for her—like her favorite flans. When I was at home and her room door was closed, I’d think that when I opened it, she would be there.
I still play her favorite music on repeat: Frank Sinatra, Elvis, Nino Bravo… and I still watch all those classic movies and musicals we used to watch together over and over again: Gone with the Wind, The Sound of Music, West Side Story, Singin’ in the Rain, Les Misérables, South Pacific… and so many more that we enjoyed together so many times.
Every time I need advice, I think about calling her… because she always gave me the best advice and she always, always supported me. She never judged me. She only said positive things to me, never anything negative. She made me believe in myself… and even in her last days, she would tell me: “you are so beautiful.”
My mother was a wonderful mother: kind, honest, funny, generous, creative, and very open. The only “negative” thing I could say is that she was too good sometimes and let herself be carried away… but in the end, I think that’s just kindness.
I could go on and on… but I guess all mothers are the same (we’ll see what my kids say about me when I’m gone hahaha).
This has been a year of learning: learning to find myself again, to be on my own, to manage my emotions, and to discover new ways to deal with pain.
I’ve been lucky to have my family and my partner close to me, always supporting me and being patient during this grieving process—because everyone takes their own time. I think I’ll be processing this for the rest of my life, but I’m very proud of the six years I dedicated to taking care of my mother. She never wanted to go into a care home, and I respected that.
Maybe I wasn’t the best caregiver in the world (I was learning as I went), but I know my mother had a good time. We laughed so much making all our videos on YouTube and TikTok… honestly, if you haven’t seen them, they’re worth it—watch them little by little.
Uff… it’s been hard to write about this again. And it makes me sad to leave these Caregiver Chronicles behind, but I need to move into new stages. And I’m absolutely sure that wherever my mother is, she’s cheering me on to keep living my life, always knowing she’s by my side.
I hope you’ve liked these chronicles, and if you’re going through something similar as a caregiver, I hope you can take something from this journey. I’ll say it again: I don’t know if I did everything right or wrong, but I am at peace. And from today on, I lift my head up and move forward to do wonderful things… things I know my mother would be very proud of.
To all of you going through something similar: stay strong. Being a caregiver is hard, yes… but the reward is immense.
I love you… and I’ll see you in the next chapters.
For those of you who haven’t followed the full story, here are the links to the entire chronicle:
