I’m a liar. I might be compulsive, but let’s be real—I’m one of the good ones. I’m already three posts into these chronicles, and in every one, I’ve promised you they’d get funnier, and I’ve lied. I didn’t lie on purpose, I swear. My intention when I started these chronicles was to share the funny and lighthearted side of being a caregiver—in my case, the quirky things my mom says or does. Turns out, there’s not much comedy in all of this (although, hey, I’m not making any promises here, but I can assure you that if you keep reading every week, the humor will unfold). Not today, though… hahaha (look, I wrote “hahaha,” that’s funny, right?). Today, I’m going to talk about guilt. Are you ready?

But, what is guilt? “Guilt refers to the possibility of reproaching the author of a criminal act or omission for their actions, considering the circumstances in which they occurred and the personal conditions of the author. Guilt requires an evaluation of human behavior.” I didn’t get any of that. All I know is what guilt means to me. I think I’ve felt guilty my entire life about one thing or another, and now, with age, I understand why. I’ve always wanted to please everyone, to be liked, and not to hurt anyone. So, when someone isn’t happy with my actions, I feel guilty, as if I haven’t done enough. I also understand that sometimes I feel guilty because I know there are times when I could have done more, but I didn’t. Guilt wears many faces, and when you’re a caregiver, I think this feeling grows to the point of overwhelming you. Let me explain…

Even though many people say, “You’re such a good daughter for taking care of your mother; others would have put her in a care home,” I think, maybe she’d be better cared for in a home, maybe I don’t know how to take care of her properly. Guilt creeps in early in my day when I know I don’t have enough time to give my mother the attention she deserves. I try to do my best, but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. Guilt keeps growing throughout the day because I also realize that if I dedicate too much time to my mom, I’m taking it away from my kids, my partner, my friends, and myself—and once again, guilt rises. As you can see, it’s a vicious cycle that grows as the days, weeks, months, and years go by. It turns into a rolling ball that, if it catches you, crushes you.

But today, I’m not here to tell you that guilt has crushed me or that the ball is coming for me at full speed. I’m here to tell you that I’m learning to play with guilt and turn it into my best friend.

I now understand that guilt is simply our confusion when it comes to seeing things clearly. I now understand that we all make mistakes and that we all make the decisions that feel right to us at the moment. I now understand that no one is blaming me but myself. I now understand that guilt is trying to show me what I can’t see and what I don’t want to understand. I now understand that we’re all guilty—we’re guilty of blaming ourselves. But the most important thing I now understand is that guilt, when you look deeply into it, carries love within (like everything in the world), and instead of blaming ourselves, we must accept our situation, our limitations, our feelings, and use guilt as a tool for learning.

I’m not the best daughter or the best caregiver, but I don’t feel guilty. I feel proud to make my own decisions, to stand firm in my actions, to make mistakes, to learn from life, and to know that in my heart there’s only love—which is the weapon that eliminates guilt.