I started these Caregiver Chronicles on July 30th, 2022, with my first chronicle titled “The Caregiver Chronicles: The Beginning.” Since then, I have been sharing the entire process I am living through with my mother, who suffers from dementia/Alzheimer’s.

It’s about to be 3 years since I began the chronicles, but we have already been living with the disease for 5 years—caring for her and facing all kinds of experiences. At first, they were funny situations, but over time they became more serious, sadder, and, at times, more desperate.

I continue with these chronicles because I think it’s important to document everything—not just for my mental health but also in case it can help someone else who is going through the same caregiver situation.

Here we go!

I don’t remember where I left off in my last post, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll start from today, and you can figure it out, haha. My mother turned 88 last week and wasn’t aware of it. Even though we celebrated  with her and bought her favorite dessert, the “roscón de Reyes,” she was completely unaware of what was happening.

She is now in a stage where she barely speaks. She simply looks at us, stares deeply, as if trying to find in our gaze something that will help her remember or react. Tears fall down her face, but she is unable to speak or articulate any emotion, and she closes her eyes in despair.

In a semi-vegetative state, she sleeps most of the time, and during the few hours she is awake, she stares into the abyss, searching for something to remind her of anything, or simply points at the void. With the few words she has left, she says things like, “They’re there” or “Who is that?” She has been seeing her imaginary friends for a while now, although I like to think they are people she knows—because if not, I would be scared shitless! Haha.

As you can see, I have to laugh about the situation, because otherwise, it would be terribly sad and depressing. My mother was never sad or depressing; she always taught me to be positive and joyful.

I surprise myself with how well I’ve handled all this (I’ve had, and still occasionally have, breakdowns—I’m fucking human). But I’ve accepted the situation and understand that it’s part of my life, whether I like it or not, and that I’m doing the best I can.

I know my mother would be very proud of me, though a bit pissed off as well for seeing how focused on her I´m. If she were in here right state of mind, she would say to me: “Don’t stay here with me; go out and have fun.” And that’s what I try to do whenever I can.

As a caregiver, guilt is always there, especially when you’ve been doing it for many years. You feel like you’re losing yourself and when you decide to live a little mor the guilt grows but we must move forward, and life must go on.

Besides caring for my mother, I currently try to balance my life between work, the kids (well, they’re not really kids anymore), my boyfriend in Madrid (poor guy has been waiting 9 years for us to be able to live together daily), and my new role as an actress. This last part is something new and surprising but also something that is giving me a little hope and the will to keep fighting for my dreams and not regret anything.

So the only thing I want to convey in this chronicle is that days pass, and although we have responsibilities and little challenges the universe throws at us, we cannot lose ourselves. We must keep facing the present, live in the moment, forget the bad, and focus on all the good (and there is always, always a lot of good).

Being a caregiver is hard work, and until you experience it, you cannot imagine it. Besides being physically demanding, the mental burden is even heavier. But you have to choose to be strong and, above all, to be grateful and joyful.

I don’t know how many more chapters these chronicles will have, but I’ll keep sharing them until the end. If you’d like to read from the beginning, you can visit the Caregiver Chronicles section.